Dear Aunt Agony...
Below is a hypothetical situation in which an interpersonal conflict has arisen.
Dear readers,
I am very upset and disappointed with my friend. Although I do cherish her friendship, I feel that she is making use of me only when she needs me. We have quarreled recently and since we’re from the same class, it is very awkward as everyone knows we were good friends. One can feel the tension hanging in the air during class.
I met X in school last year when we were both assigned to the same class. From then on we ‘clicked’ and became friends, going to each other’s house and staying up to talk late at night on msn and on the phone. However, recently X made a new friend, Y. They have become very close and recently, I have been feeling left out.
Only that’s not all. Y has a boyfriend with whom she periodically has problems with. When she is having problems with her boyfriend, she would confide in X and both of them would be inseparable and are the best of buddies. However, when all is smooth sailing in Y’s relationship with her boyfriend, she spends more time with him than X. When this happens, X would come to me and start gossiping about Y behind her back, and about how she feels chucked aside whenever Y’s boyfriend is around. At this point in time, X becomes very nice to me and “clings” on to me. But, every time Y has problems with her boyfriend and shares them with X, X would rush to her side in an instant and spends all her time with Y.
Feeling very left out and angry that X was being very two-faced, I confronted her about what she was doing to our friendship. I pointed out that whatever she was unhappy about Y doing to her, she was doing the exact same thing to me without even realising it. Furthermore, she did not like it when Y did it to her and now she was treating me in the exact same way. However, X became angry and said that the two situations were very different, and that I was being too possessive over her friendship.
What should I do? Was I wrong to point out that X was being very duplicitous? Was I feeling too possessive over our friendship as X put it? Please help.
-A very troubled teen.
Dear readers,
I am very upset and disappointed with my friend. Although I do cherish her friendship, I feel that she is making use of me only when she needs me. We have quarreled recently and since we’re from the same class, it is very awkward as everyone knows we were good friends. One can feel the tension hanging in the air during class.
I met X in school last year when we were both assigned to the same class. From then on we ‘clicked’ and became friends, going to each other’s house and staying up to talk late at night on msn and on the phone. However, recently X made a new friend, Y. They have become very close and recently, I have been feeling left out.
Only that’s not all. Y has a boyfriend with whom she periodically has problems with. When she is having problems with her boyfriend, she would confide in X and both of them would be inseparable and are the best of buddies. However, when all is smooth sailing in Y’s relationship with her boyfriend, she spends more time with him than X. When this happens, X would come to me and start gossiping about Y behind her back, and about how she feels chucked aside whenever Y’s boyfriend is around. At this point in time, X becomes very nice to me and “clings” on to me. But, every time Y has problems with her boyfriend and shares them with X, X would rush to her side in an instant and spends all her time with Y.
Feeling very left out and angry that X was being very two-faced, I confronted her about what she was doing to our friendship. I pointed out that whatever she was unhappy about Y doing to her, she was doing the exact same thing to me without even realising it. Furthermore, she did not like it when Y did it to her and now she was treating me in the exact same way. However, X became angry and said that the two situations were very different, and that I was being too possessive over her friendship.
What should I do? Was I wrong to point out that X was being very duplicitous? Was I feeling too possessive over our friendship as X put it? Please help.
-A very troubled teen.
posted by ♥tiffany at
9:31 PM
6 Comments:
Hi Tiffany!
First of all, it's good that you were able to identify your anger and the feeling of being ostracised. This is the first important aspect of Emotional Intelligence and helps you to convey your troubles to X better.
I think it is a common human trait that we are possessive in a relationship. We want to be heard. Therefore, it is important for you to realise that Y needs X when she is in trouble to offer the necessary moral support. Perhaps you will not be so angered over it if you try to empathise with X and Y.
At the same time, it was good that you confronted X and expressed your feelings. Saying that X was two-faced right in front of her may sound a bit too harsh. Therefore, one suggestion is to tell her that you are hurt because she neglected your friendship. I learnt from my previous module of Interpersonal Effectiveness that telling X how you feel helps her to understand you better. Frequently stressing on X when confronting her may sound more like accusations. This will have adverse effect on the relationship. Eg: "I am hurt and felt neglected" is better than "You neglect this relationship".
So, it's good to say - but say it with tact. :)
January 31, 2010 at 12:16 AM
Dear "Troubled-teen"
Not to worry, Aunty Deenise is here to your rescue.
This is one of those situations where you could choose to walk out of it.Don't be too bothered by X or Y.Tell X about how you feel in a nice way and if things still do not work out,you might want to stay as just friends,kicking the "good" off the "good friends".
Love,
Aunt Deenise
February 1, 2010 at 3:06 PM
Dear Troubled- teen
This seems like a common situation among many girls. I do not think that you were being possessive when you mentioned that you felt left out. Instead, you probably felt that you were taken for granted and no one really likes to feel that way. Probably understanding this, you could also understand the behavior of X. I guess she felt the same way about Y when she confided in you. Since she is your good friend, perhaps you can put yourself in her shoes for a moment when she is feeling that way?
Looking at it from another point of view, you can also feel happy that you were the person that she went to when she was having problems with Y. That shows you that you are of importance to her right?
I feel that talking to X about the issue is the right approach but one that might not yield the results that you want immediately as X might become defensive when you point out her faults. But who does not right? Give her some time to digest what you said to her and when both of you have calmed down, revisit the issue and talk it through.
I hope my advices helped:)
Aunt Agony
February 2, 2010 at 11:20 PM
Hi Troubled Teen!!
Woah, i feel that there is a communication breakdown between you and X. THere is a need for you to let X know that you felt negelected. Let her know what is your expectations of a good friend. A good friend to you means someone who loves you, not just someone that that you treat as a spare tyre.The best way to solve this problem is to be honest to your feelings and be honest with each other. If X is able to understand things from your prospective, then she is willing to change and be a better friend to you. If after talking, X still feels that she is right and that she do nothing wrong, it shows that she is unwilling to change then i think it will be alright to put aside this friendship and start looking for another friend who treasures you more. :D
Hope that helps!
van
February 3, 2010 at 12:58 AM
Dear Tiffany,
This certainly has the "troubled teen" sense to it. I wonder how much of your rendering is tongue in cheek? That's appropriate here, I think! My 14-year-old daughter seems to have a whole diary for of these stories. I suppose the magazines Seventeen and Teens would handle this sort of issue as well.
You do a good job of describing the drama of the main conflict and the characters involved, although it might have been easier if you had used fictitious names rather than X & Y. You also focus the question well.
It's interesting to me how detailed the commentary from your readers is. It's clear that this is an issue your female readers can relate to easily.
Thanks for sharing!
February 7, 2010 at 9:27 PM
Hey to all the Auntie Agonies and Brad :D
Thanks for your feedback everyone! I guess sometimes there is no clear hard and fast rule to how deal with interpersonal relationships.
Actually this situation happened to a friend of mine. However it turned quite ugly when some friends tried to help to patch back their relationship. X thought that my friend was telling everyone about the problem and made things even more difficult. Eventually a teacher had to be called in to mediate. And they made up but even though they're still friends now, they aren't as close as they used to be.
February 8, 2010 at 11:01 PM
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